The Skill of Intimacy & Power Of Compassion


Who wouldn’t want to be the queen of intimacy?

Someone who is powerful yet magnanimous, above the fray, elegant, well-tended and of course, a hot consort to the king.  And, if you are like most women, usually all goes well in your “queendom” in terms of intimacy until your partner falls short in some way.

Are you powerful yet magnanimous, above the fray, elegant, well-tended and of course, a hot consort to the king? Click To Tweet

But what happens when your man disappoints you?

Do you begin to nag, annoy or even outright bitch? Do you lose your attraction to him and point out, for his own good of course, his fatal flaws? Do you believe that unless you become the squeaky wheel, your partner will solidify into a blob of inertia? Will your annoyed face and tone at least move him to do something hopefully the specific things that you want done?

Or, do you become the ice queen cold and disengaged, giving him the silent treatment for hours or even days?

This imperious style is often favored by women who dislike confrontation or have been over the same territory too many times to count and are bitter about their man’s failings. Why stoop so low as to yell and lose control? Many of us use both strategies to express our annoyance, firing up or clamping down, depending on how we react.

Yet, we all handle disappointments in life without such hidden ogres popping out. Our children upset us and we rarely cut off communication with them. Our parents fail to respond as we would like, and we don’t ream them out. Our friends say something thoughtless, and we cut them slack. Why should it be different with our mate?

Because we want to be able to surrender we want to be the queen not the king in our intimate lives. Women often know that their man can be more than he is being at the moment and it drives us nuts. How can we trust someone who fails to stand in his power?

If he collapses even in little ways, is not true to his word, or takes the easy way out, some portion of our respect for him disappears. What kind of a warrior is he then? How can we pledge undying love to someone who is weak?  Strong women test their men for the very purpose of seeing whether it is safe to surrender to him. Frankly, we feel it is an honor to let a man into our inner sanctum of vulnerability. And, here is the crazy thing, even if he has passed the test today, we will test him again tomorrow!

This queen energy is not bad, in fact it calls our partners to become all that they can be the realization of their full potential and, in that way it is a powerful, sexual force. The trick is to couple this queenly insight and intuition with compassion.  When we clearly understand the challenge involved in being our mates we can ease up even as we recognize some failing or lack of focus in our man.

When we have the queenly attitude of compassion for a lapse, a mistake, or an error in judgment, we do not have to lose our attraction for our man.  I remember one woman I counseled several years ago who detailed a serious loss of money as a result of a decision made by her husband. When I inquired as to her feelings for him at that time, she reported that he had been such a good provider for their entire marriage that she could easily look beyond this mistake.

And, she was aware that he was already shaming himself and she wanted him to feel and respond to her belief in him. Now there is a queen for her king! I am not sure I could have been so generous or farsighted.


Remember Jack Nicholson confiding to Helen Hunt in As Good as it Gets, “you make me want to be a better man”? That is the queen energy coming forth in its positive and intimate nature. We want our partner to feel our support and our trust. Men intuitively understand that to win trust you have to show up, be focused, pay attention, and adhere to your promises. When women are clear about their needs, their desire to surrender (not submit), and their love of letting go sexually and sensually, their men can hardly wait to be their one and only. They yearn for the challenge and task of earning our trust.

We can hold our partners to a high standard with an open heart. All it takes is awareness and the skill of being mindful of the power of generosity. “When you stood up to Bill’s teacher about the homework mix-up during our conference, I felt relieved and proud. You were firm and yet respectful. I didn’t feel the need to say a thing. I would love it if you would do that even more at other times.”

What man would not appreciate hearing that and try to do more of it in order to be respected by his queen? The skill of intimacy for most couples is built on a foundation of compassion, humor, and the unlimited potential for growth. So, instead of shouting “off with his head!” promise yourself this very day that you will become the true Queen of Hearts and use love and understanding to call forth the amazing guy you know is in there.

by Lana Holstein, MD

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