Although the concept of loosening up to let go could be taken in a broad way and be applied to many aspects of your life, today let’s focus on one aspect: orgasm.
And while there are various factors that can prevent women from experiencing orgasms as fully as they’d like to—or even at all—for now, let’s just look at tension and how relaxation can help.
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Can you recall a time that you felt all tensed up, and rather than sex with a partner—or with yourself—helping you relax, you felt like you couldn’t fully soften and let go? If yes, one possible explanation for that is muscular tension. When your muscles are tight, qi and blood are not flowing strongly enough to where they are needed for optimal lubrication and orgasm.
What the heck is qi, you ask? Qi (pronounced chee) is vital life-force energy. It’s all around you and inside of you, and in Traditional Chinese Medicine they say that qi is the commander of blood. When qi flow is strong, circulation is good. So when you relax your body, both energy and blood flow improve. When energy and blood are circulating in a relaxed and open body, one natural response is actually arousal.
A relaxed body also leads to a relaxed mind, thereby bringing you into the peacefulness of the present moment. When you feel soft and at ease physically, and mentally, you can bring more of your consciousness into your body. And when you are embodied like this? You feel more. All your senses are likely to be heightened, taking in more stimulation, thereby enhancing your pleasure and orgasmic potential.
But sometimes it’s not so easy to just relax and drop into your body. Sometimes, for example, our food choices get in the way. How so? Physically, there are certain foods that contribute to feelings of stiffness and tension by creating or contributing to inflammation. Then there’s also the effect of mineral depletion that occurs when eating sugar. If not getting the proper nutrients, our muscle tissue health is affected, and we can experience more tension and pain in the body. Hydration also affects muscle tension. Are you drinking enough water?
Also consider that what you eat can affect you emotionally, and your emotions can affect your musculature. Ever feel happier and more relaxed after eating, or more agitated and physically tense? Although I eat a fairly healthy diet, there have been plenty of times that a late night dessert has resulted in me waking up the next day feeling anxious or blue. Does that ever happen to you? If yes, notice how you feel in your body next time. See if you feel any areas of increased tightness. And then get out of bed and move around to help it release.
Speaking of getting out of bed, if you’re a coffee lover—don’t hate me, but—caffeine can totally mess with your orgasms. Most people don’t want to hear this, but sugar, caffeine, and drugs knock your energy out of whack, and that leads to muscular tension too, which cuts off energy flow. And then it’s a vicious cycle of reaching for foods and stimulants instead of feeling fulfilled and energized naturally. It can be harder to truly enjoy life and relax into pleasure if feeling controlled by this cycle. So it’s important to clean up your diet in order to help you loosen up and let go.
But if you’re not ready to cut out things like sugar or coffee right now, then don’t. As I tell my clients and explain in The Multi-Orgasmic Diet, there’s usually no need for forced or premature restriction unless you have a serious medical condition. When possible, it’s best to allow changes to occur more naturally, when you’re ready, to prevent increasing stress and therefore creating even more tension. So don’t worry.
Now, what are some ways to loosen up to let go? Let’s start with a little self-inquiry and awareness practice. You can write your answers or just think about them:
- How tense are you right now?
- How tense are you when eating?
- How tense are you when having sex, masturbating or even just naked?
- Where do you feel tension?
- Is your jaw relaxed? How much can you relax it right now?
- Is your belly soft? How much can you let go and soften that belly?
Did you notice your body relax a little simply by bringing attention to it? Sometimes just asking the question triggers a release of needless bodily tension. But usually it takes more than just thinking about it, so here are some of my favorite ways to loosen up:
- massage (self or professional)
- Epsom salt baths
- yoga or stretching
- qigong
- going for a walk
- lying down with or without a someone to snuggle
- meditation
- shared or solo laughter
- a good hug
- taking some slow, deep breaths
Regardless of the method, spending time each day consciously relaxing you body and mind will help you experience more pleasure both in and out of the bedroom. If you have difficulty with “the big O” or with delighting in life in general, start off with learning how to soften and loosen up your body, little by little. No pressure. No rush. There may be other blockages that can be addressed later. But for now, just take a moment to shut your eyes and think about what relaxes you. And then? I encourage you to go do it.
- Featured Artist – Marci McDonald
- The Big O: How to Loosen Up to Let Go - August 1, 2016