Passion is wonderful, but as all happy couples know, the key to a peaceful and rewarding relationship that withstands time lies in the ability to communicate. This doesn’t mean you have to agree on every issue, enjoy the same music, or share a passion for the tango (though it might help). What it does mean is that despite differences you’re able to stay connected, respond to conflict with compassion and love, and respect one another’s right to different points of view.
While this might seem easier in theory than in practice, there are ways to develop these skills. Kate and Joel Feldman are the co-directors of The Conscious Relationships Institute in Durango, Colorado. Both of the Feldmans were founding members of Kripalu Center for Yoga and Health in Massachusetts, and still host retreats there each year in addition to consultations from their offices in Colorado.
“Our 21st century lifestyle is fast-paced and electronic”, explains Kate, a psychotherapist with a background that includes Gestalt, Family Systems therapies, yoga, and meditation. “It’s a very basic principle that if you want something to grow, you have to put time and energy into it. There’s also the basic human fact that once we’ve been together for a while, it’s just not as exciting or mysterious as when we first fell in love. Those rush-producing hormones aren’t being produced as fast. Couples have to become intentional to create all of that yummy stuff again. In our culture, we don’t understand that once the romance phase is over, we have to be intentional about focusing on the other aspects of a relationship.”
Kate suggests practicing the following exercise, Mindful Hugging, daily, once before you leave for work, and once when you come home. She adds that this non-verbal connection relaxes your nervous system, lowers your heart rate, and helps you get into your body and out of your head.
“Begin by standing facing one another and taking a few deep, relaxing breaths”, says Kate. “Make eye contact, keep breathing, and move toward one another. Place your arms around one another comfortably, with your bellies touching. Ground yourself firmly by focusing on your feet, allowing yourselves to relax deeply into one another’s bodies. Let your partner know where you are most comfortable being held. Notice all the sensations in your body, beginning at the top of your head and moving all the way down your legs. Enjoy the sensation of touching. Remain in the hug for up to two minutes, then gradually and consciously come away when you are ready. Thank one another afterwards.”
For more about the Feldman’s couple’s workshops and programs, visit consciousrelationships.com
by Debra Bokur
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