By Melissa B. Williams
Is it possible to balance work and play?
Jennifer Louden, author and life coach shows us how.
Last week over breakfast, as I sat enjoying my cup of coffee, my husband pointed out that the only time of day that he actually sees me relax is during the brief fifteen minutes or so that I enjoy my morning brew. At first I laughed and agreed with him, but now days later, I’ve become acutely aware of my inability to slow down. And it’s not that I don’t want to – it’s that I always feel there is something else that needs to be done.
I’m not alone. After talking with girlfriends, my mother, and even my kid sister (who, in my opinion, is enjoying the carefree days of college), I heard the same thing: to-do lists are longer than ever and rest is few and far between. When did the act of getting things done become more important than taking care of ourselves? How do we learn to set priorities both in our personal and professional lives? And finally, when we’ve had enough, how do we learn to say so?
Jennifer Louden is a personal coach and author of the recently released book The Life Organizer (New World Library, 2007); she travels around the country, coaching women on these issues. Everywhere she goes, she finds exhausted women – women who are over-stressed, rushing, and out of touch with themselves. “It’s a cultural issue as much as it is a women’s issue,” says Louden, stressing that although women need to be in touch with their needs and desires, the culture as a whole, needs to reassess the frenzy that we’ve become accustomed to (and one that we’ve unfortunately created).
Choosing Number One
Women have difficulty setting (or selecting) priorities for a variety of reasons. “One of which is we never learned how to do it. It was never modeled for us,” says Louden, adding that our mothers and our grandmothers had different lifestyles than the ones many women find themselves leading today. Sometimes the needs of others, especially our family, squash our priorities. Other times, however, the problem isn’t having our own priorities it is choosing which of our ever-expanding interests takes precedence. “Women have not learned how to discern between all the candy in the candy store,” adds Louden. “There are so many things we want to try; so many causes we believe in. How do we discern between choices?”
Louden advises sitting and writing down all of your priorities on either sticky notes or your computer. This way you can rearrange them around as new interests or obligations arise. “Begin to get a picture of what and how much you think of as being a priority,” counsels Louden. From there, you can borrow an idea from The Life Organizer. When you create your daily to-do list, divide your tasks into ‘have to’, ‘could do’, and ‘let go of’. “Each time you find yourself committing to or continuing a priority of any kind, take a moment to stop, connect with your breath, and ask yourself, ‘Do I really want to do this?’ If the answer is yes, ask, ‘Do I really have the time and energy?’ You may find that you say no to these questions, but still continue,” says Louden. “That’s okay. If you’ve been making everything and everybody a priority your whole life, don’t expect yourself to change in a week.”
Tip: Try this practice for a month. Afterward, look back and see what you consistently want to let go of, what you consistently want to do, and finally, what you think you could do instead.
Drop the Idea of Boxes
Even if we know how to set priorities, it frequently seems that our personal and professional lives are at odds with one another. You pick up take-out instead of cooking a home-cooked meal because you were at the office late, or you skip out on a meeting at work in order to watch your son’s basketball game. Is it possible to balance it all? “I wonder if we’re trying to live an impossible fantasy, where we think we can have it all,” says Louden. “I think that’s putting undo pressure on us. Is it your life that is in conflict or your ideals?”
“If your professional and personal lives always feel at odds, start to keep a running list of those moments. Jot down a date and a couple of words, including how you felt,” advises Louden. Writing down your thoughts and accompanying emotions can provide a wonderful window into your life story. Louden also suggests asking your family members to make their own lists of times where they feel that your personal and professional lives are at odds.
The thing to keep in mind is that balance is relative. You’re not going to find a perfect balance between your work and play, but it is possible to find out what things are zapping your energy. You might also find a way to combine work and play, perhaps into a new career.
Tip: “Begin to look for moments in which you can combine your personal, creative, and spiritual needs with your professional path and goals. You don’t have to draw boxes around the different parts of your life. What would it be like to make a boring business meeting into your meditation time? Is there a new way you can bring your creativity into your job that you haven’t thought of before?”
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