By Leslie Gilbert Elman
Illustrations by Bonnie Dain
When you’re grieving, a healing touch can help release your pain and restore your emotional balance.
When Diana Callahan’s twenty-three year-old son was killed in a car crash, her grief was almost unbearable. How can a mother come to terms with losing a child so suddenly and senselessly?
Callahan* and her husband joined a support group. They sought counseling. Then they did something unusual. They went to a spa.
“We needed to get away to a place that wouldn’t remind us of our son,” Callahan explained. “Being in the house was upsetting. Traveling someplace we had visited as a family would have been too painful. So we chose a place none of us had been and we hid for a week. We got massages. We did yoga. It was such a release.”
Is it self-indulgent to visit a spa when you’re grieving? Absolutely not.
Many of us view spa treatments and bodywork as self-indulgent rewards for “good” behavior. But that idea ignores the fundamental function of body therapies. They’re designed for healing. And people suffering from grief need healing the most.
Healing Away from it All
Patricia Schneider, spa director at the Arizona Biltmore Resort & Spa in Phoenix explains, “People who are grieving come here to get away and not talk. They seek out relaxing therapies that can lead to a deep release. Very often there are residual tears during the treatment. Our therapists are trained to deal with that.”
Soothing, nurturing therapies such as massage and La Stone treatments, Schneider explains, are critical to working through grief. “Take it easy,” she cautions. “Your body will be spent from what you’re going through emotionally so don’t try to push yourself with a vigorous hike or cardio class. Over-exhausting yourself can be an avoidance technique.”
When you book treatments, tell the spa’s guest services staff what’s been happening in your life. That way, they can recommend treatments suited to your state of mind. Wraps and facials might feel too invasive when your emotions are raw. Yet a gentle therapy like Watsu or aromatherapy massage can evoke the emotional release you need to heal.
Tell your massage therapist where you’re hurting, physically and emotionally. Although most massage therapists are not trained to provide psychological counseling, they are skilled at focusing your attention on your body, breathing, and movement. They also understand how to let you cry, sigh, or simply be silent during a treatment.
At Miraval Resort & Spa in Tucson, therapists frequently deal with guests coping with grief. Some are grieving for the loss of a loved one. Others, such as the oncology group who visited the spa last year, are coping with the loss of their personal well-being.
“You have no control over when feelings of grief will arise,” says Miraval spa director Amy McDonald. “If you fall apart on the massage table, the therapist knows how to hold the space for you so you feel safe.” And afterwards, the spa can call upon local clinical psychologists to provide personal counseling.
Miraval also offers alternative and holistic therapies such as the Native American sweat lodge, a two-hour therapy tied to prayer and meditation that allows the body to detox from emotional pain. The equine experience, in which guests work with horses, can also be a tool for dealing with intense emotions. “When you’re handling the horses, you realize how powerless those emotional forces can make you,” McDonald says. “You can’t get the horse to cooperate with you if you’re not dealing with your emotions.”
Another therapy available at Miraval, Holographic Memory Resolution, has been especially effective for people suffering from deep trauma. The ninety-minute therapy, which mentally takes you back to the time before the trauma, has been used by families affected by the Columbine High School shootings or plane crashes.
“People sometimes don’t understand how long grief lasts and how unexpected some pieces of it can be,” McDonald explains. “When those feelings come up, we make it possible for you to take them all the way. At a destination spa, people feel more like they’re in a womb because it’s an enclosed environment. That can make it seem safer to release their emotions.”
Healing Close to Home
If you can’t escape to a spa or retreat to heal your emotional wounds, find a body work practitioner close to home. The simple act of allowing yourself to concentrate on your physical needs – to breathe deeply, stretch, and rest – can help free your mind. Time spent with a trusted massage therapist is invaluable.
Another technique that effectively treats both mind and body is Rubenfeld Synergy, an innovative blend of psychological counseling and healing touch.
Created in the 1960s by Ilana Rubenfeld, a student and practitioner of Gestalt therapy, Rubenfeld Synergy “invites the body into the [psychological]healing process.” While you lay on a couch or massage table and communicate your feelings verbally, the Rubenfeld therapist gently touches specific points on the body, such as your sternum, the back of your head, and your shoulders.
“A lot of feelings are stored in the body and we’re not aware of them until the body is contacted in a neutral way,” explains Diane L. Nadler, C.S.W., a Rubenfeld therapist in New York City.
Rubenfeld therapists go through a three- to four-year professional certification program. During a Rubenfeld Synergy session, which typically lasts between forty-five minutes and one hour, the client is fully clothed and the therapist uses touch in a “non-intrusive, respectful way, while asking questions and being receptive to what’s going on in the body” Nadler explains.
“Rubenfeld Synergy bypasses logical thinking. It can be almost hypnotic,” she adds. “Talking can be a protection mechanism, but the body tells the truth.” Thus the therapist’s questions are influenced as much by what the client says as by the way her body reacts to the touch.
We talk a lot about the mind-body connection in healing therapies, and it’s never more apparent than when you experience a profound emotional trauma. Yet while you’re suffering, it can be easy to neglect your body. You might even feel it’s appropriate to endure physical suffering as you experience emotional suffering.
As hard as it might be, give yourself permission to soothe your body the same way you seek to soothe your mind. Then you’ll understand the true benefit of the healing touch.
For more about Rubenfeld Synergy and to find a specialist in your area visit www.rubenfeldsynergy.com *Names have been changed to maintain anonymity.The specialists say. . .
Grief has stages and it rarely leaves you completely. Residual feelings about the loss of a parent, spouse, child, or pet can arise even years after the event.
Grief is not a sign of weakness, selfishness, or immaturity.
Finding a constructive way to cope with grief can alleviate depression and physical symptoms. It can also make it easier to deal with residual feelings when they arise.
Grief occurs for many reasons. Divorce, personal health issues, injuries, the loss of a job, or the loss of a friendship can trigger grief.
Self-medication is almost never the right treatment. Dulling the pain simply denies the issue and delays its resolution.
address book
Arizona Biltmore Resort & Spa in Phoenix
www.arizonabiltmore.com
(602) 955-6600 or (800) 950-0086
Miraval Resort & Spa in Tucson
www.miravalresort.com
(800) 232-3969
September/October 2003
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