You’ve seen it in the movies and read about it in beloved sonnets and summertime novels; that unbelievable, mind-blowing, soul-expanding sexual connection. How does it happen? And more importantly how can magnificent sex happen to you?
The first and fundamental step for expanding your sexual connection is to learn and claim all seven dimensions of sex: biologic, sensual, desire, heart, intimacy, aesthetic, and ecstatic.learn and claim all seven dimensions of sex: biologic, sensual, desire, heart, intimacy, aesthetic, and ecstatic. Click To Tweet
The first three dimensions are quite familiar to most of us; the basic biology of the physical/sexual connection, the wonderful sensuality of the body experience, and the power of sexual drive and desire. Although we may not always be able to access these aspects of our sexuality, many of us have experienced sex in these ways.
The trick with combining this triad of fundamental sexual energies, biologic, sensual, and desire, is to first become skillful with your own and your partner’s anatomy and sexual physiology; the biology of sex. That means confronting hormone, infertility, and aging concerns that can sidetrack sex, and getting help when you need to.
Also it means letting go of the assumption that you always know what he likes and learning to ask for sexual direction. After all, who said that we were supposed to be gourmet lovers without any training? Adding the sensual dimension is where the fun begins.
Now you get to play with all of the senses: try a blindfold in bed, feathers and fringe for touch arousal; oils, candles or incense for erotic scents. In fact, being on the lookout for sensual additions to your erotic bedroom basket is a great endeavor. The third dimension “desire”, is often a challenge in our over-scheduled lives, however it is the engine for sexual vitality. I recommend touch and more touch between lovers to enhance this aspect of sexual connection. If we all would talk less and touch more “without the demand to necessarily have an entire sexual encounter that very instant”, we would amp up the voltage between ourselves and our lover.
This triad of ‘animal’ dimensions is important, after all we are mammals; mating, sensing, and procreating. But of course there is more for us as humans; how do we ‘make love’, instead of just having sex? That is where the heart and intimacy dimensions come into play. Sex should be a fusion of the heart and pelvis. Too many lovers have shied away from this union, mistaking lust for depth during sex or holding our hearts hostage while merely servicing our partner.
There may have been betrayals in current or previous relationships making you guard your heart instead of fully embracing the intimacy. With compassion and vulnerability, these emotional aspects lend a sweetness and depth to our physical joining.
Two easy tools can help access these dimensions: a simple gesture of placing a hand on your lover’s heart during sex can transform the moment, or a request during the week to hear the deepest truths of your mate as they contemplate their life course opens the intimacy channel in and out of the bedroom. Consciously infusing sexual actions with emotional commitment enhances the authenticity of your relationship.
Finally, mind-blowing sex involves engaging the soul. Wonderful lovers learn how to tap into the radiance and beauty in their partner and claim their own while making love. Here the aesthetic and ecstatic dimensions are intentionally embraced.
How do we truly connect while making love?
I believe it begins with a synchronization of bio-rhythms. Enhance the energy circuit between your hearts by practicing the Tantric exercise of matching your breath to your partner’s breath while looking deep into each other’s eyes or sitting in his lap. If you add silent thoughts of appreciation for your lover’s wonderful qualities, the physiologic attunement intensifies; our patterns of heart rate variability become the same.
During lovemaking, which accesses the soul dimensions, we see beauty beyond the glamour and we can reflect in our own divine glow. Many sacred passages have extolled the divinity of lovemaking yet many of us feel cynical or skeptical when it comes to soul expansion during sex. The process is actually not mysterious; it is opening to the unique blessing of another being, your lover, in your life. It is allowing yourself the luxury of being overwhelmed during the sexual connection and feeling comfortable with that possibility. The gratitude for your lover becomes palpable energy in your bodies when the physical or emotional withholding ceases.
For these last two dimensions to blossom many of the hesitations of the first five need attention and that is the fun part! Rather than thinking that your sex life is hopeless, make it a renewal project for the next six months. Find books on techniques or take turns initiating with the initiator calling the shots and the other just ‘showing up.’ Merge loving words, messages, and gestures with physical, sexual connection. Look to acquaint yourselves with Tantric practices via books or videos.
Consider your sexual relationship as multidimensional with each of you having your own strengths, and then appreciate the special gifts of your mate. It is intriguing to pay awareness to each dimension for a week or two in order to enliven the interaction and find out the unique talents you each have. Maybe your man can always be counted on for the desire spark and you for the heart opening. Maybe you love bringing beauty and the aesthetic sense to the lovemaking space. Maybe he sees the goddess in you and you learn to claim that part of your femininity.
We can all improve our talents “become a better golfer, piano player, or gourmet cook. Of course we can become better lovers. The seven dimensions is a way to begin”, have fun!
By Lana Holstein, M.D. | Illustrations by © 2016 Chico Hayasaki / kokoartagency.com
Lana Holstein, M.D., is the Director of Sexuality and Vitality Programs at Miraval Resort, the author of Your Long Erotic Weekend, and founder of Partners, Pleasure, and Passion a couples sexuality enhancement program at Miraval. For more information visit www.HolsteinandTaylor.com