Grateful for all I had, but still yearning years ago, on a dark, quiet night, staring up into the inky sky bejeweled with twinkling stars, I made my earnest plea. “Please…please please PLEASE let me have another baby. Please let me experience the miracle of life growing in my body again. Please send my precious daughter a beloved sibling that she can grow with and lean on. I promise to be the best Mom in the universe! I promise to always put my sweet babies first and help them find their way to becoming amazing human beings! Please!!”
The dark sky stared back at me, promising nothing. And nothing is exactly what I got. No baby. No little seed, sprouting inside of me. No treasured sibling for my sweet love.
Years later, without warning, my husband suddenly and unexpectedly left my daughter and me. Shocked, I again made my petition to the universe. “Please, please PLEASE let my husband and me work this out. Please let him keep his promises to us and change his heart and see what he is losing and come running back to us. We will take him with open arms! We will make sure he knows he is so loved and wanted and we will make him so happy to be with us! Please!”
Silence echoed in my ears until I could no longer hear. After a year of a hard, bitter battle, the papers were finally signed and we were officially, completely divorced. And my ex-husband and his family instantly removed themselves from our lives.
Anger flooded my body. What about all of this “do unto others” stuff? What about manifestation, affirmations, setting intentions? None of it was working for me, or so it appeared. I was a good person. I was a positive person. I was a loving person. Why couldn’t I have what I wanted?
Pain filled my heart and left a hard, heavy pit in my belly, and a vice constricting my neck. I was in total and complete resistance to what was. I wanted what I wanted and since I wasn’t getting it, I was suffering.
Torment surrounded my head like a mass of thick, gray clouds. I walked in a daze.
Until there came a point when I realized that something in me must change. I learned about forgiving, acceptance-ing, allowing and feeling grateful. I learned about loving and trusting. Most importantly, I learned that the most imperative thing about these practices was that I must shower them with abandon on myself. There was no other option, if I wanted freedom from this (self-inflicted) torture.
This became my journey; my way of life. Every day I looked for ways to forgive more, allow more, accept more, love more, trust more. The funny thing was, the more I did these things, the more happy experiences started popping up in my life. My business started taking off. New people danced into my world and filled my life with love, laughter and joy. The heavy weight dissolved from my heart and the noose around my throat released and my body became awake, alive and responsive to the world around me.
The things I had begged for weren’t meant to be mine. If I had a baby with my ex, it would have been the worst thing ever for me and my daughter. It would have infinitely linked our lives with that of a possible sociopath. Instead, we get to be completely free of him. For this, I am so very grateful.
Since I had become free, after time and doing this work, I was able to meet an incredible man who’s most likely my soulmate. I’ve been able to experience love and connection in a way I never dreamed was possible. I would have been chained to a mediocre, unfulfilling life had the universe answered my cries in the way I saw fit. Little did I know that while I was squirming around in discomfort and distress, there were a multitude of blessings headed my way. Wishes I never imagined were being fulfilled.
Recently I stumbled upon this talk by Matt Kahn. The discussion is full of beautiful points and important takeaways, but this little part really hit my heart:
“Thank you for showing me where my edges remain. Thank you for not giving me what I want. Thank you for being everything other than what I desire. Thank you for disappointing me. Thank you for rejecting me. Thank you for abandoning me. Thank you for hurting me. Thank you for harming me….by daring to thank the un-thank-able you’re training your subconscious mind to not only anchor more gratitude but to become more unconditionally gracious as a divine being in human form by daring to be gracious with the things you never wanted to face..”
When he said those words, grateful tears of joy sprang from my eyes and flowed freely down my face. What I couldn’t see in the moment has become crystal clear to me now. Everything is always working in my favor. If things aren’t going the way I think they should, it’s because something even better is making its way to me. Now that I fully understand this, I imagine that saying those words while in the moment of resistance to what is will be a powerful exercise in trust and being grateful. It will relieve me of my self-inflicted suffering. It will set me on the path of freedom and joy. And the best news is, this path is open and available to everyone! Come walk with me!!
- Navigating the Churning Waters of Long Distance Love - May 25, 2018
- Dear, Sweet Surrender: Sometimes I need a Big Rant before I re-learn Myself. - May 8, 2018
- How I Became Larger & More Powerful than my Monkey Mind. - March 18, 2018