It was a sweltering summer day in Las Vegas, the kind of day you could cook an egg on the sidewalk or dry wet hair outside in under ten minutes. I was in my blessed air-conditioned house when my husband of over 10 years called me from New York to let me know that he didn’t think he was ever really in love with me; he thought he might have fallen in love with a fan he saw from the stage, and went home with her to play house for three days. He was about to take his clothes and his guitars and be free, never to see me or my daughter again.
That day the rug was yanked abruptly from under my feet because I never thought another person would treat me this way. Never had I imagined someone whom I offered my life to would simply discard me without any regard, like tossing an old couch on the side of the road after deciding to redecorate.
But that’s what was happening.
Suddenly I found myself looking at men, scrutinizing their every action, finding categories for their behavior. Narcissist, psychopath, and sociopath spat from my bitter mouth and flooded my anxious thoughts. I started focusing on how often men behaved this way. And guess what? I started seeing it all around me! My girlfriends were having problems with their men. We decided the problem was universal – An Epidemic, World-Wide Phenomenon. We turned on the spotlight, big and bright, to illuminate all of the crustiest, nastiest behavior we could find, and we would rant and rave about it. Curse. Resign ourselves to a spinster’s life, because we could find fulfillment without needing anyone else, so why even bother?
After a lot of meditating, a ton of self-examination and work, I realized that all along the problem was with me. I heard the inner voice of my soul protesting during my decade with this man, but I stuffed it down. Stifled it. Excused it away. I was the one who didn’t set proper boundaries. I didn’t throw in the towel when deep down I knew I should have, because I had this egoic vision of saving this man, making him happy. A relentless vision possessed me, leading me to believe that once xyz happened, he would again be the magical man I had fallen in love with and married, and we would live happily ever after.
It was completely my fault for not taking him at face value at all times. It was my fault for not putting myself and my needs over his. It was my fault for creating complete fantasies about who he was, instead of facing the reality that appeared in my day to day life.
Accepting responsibility for all of this required self love and forgiveness, which was really uncomfortable to do in the beginning. I actually had to practice it every day. As time passed, it became easier. The happy side effect from all of this was I got my mojo back! My power. Now I am unafraid to say no to things I don’t want and yes to things I do. I am clear about my intentions, values, desires, and boundaries, and I am happy to express and share them with others.
In doing so, the iron grip on my idea of our “sociopathic society of men” softened. I began to see guys for what they were: powerful, loving creators who also are trying to figure out life. Who have been hurt. Who want love and approval.
We are all in this game together.
With my eyes opened wide, free from fear, I began to notice the sweet thoughtfulness of the males around me. The gentle caring. The creative genius. The more I noticed it, the more I saw.
In the end I am finding that this can be done with every single human on the planet. You can look for their beauty, their magnificence, their glory. If you believe it is there, you will find it. And when you find it, if you point it out, comment, or just bless them, it expands. Others will become luminous before your very eyes! Every single day, I am meeting fascinating, incredible people. I deeply believe people are fascinating and incredible, and that is exactly what is showing up in my world!
You have this superpower too. You can look for narcissists and psychopaths, and you will find many! Or you can look for gods and goddesses, and encounter that. This is how we create life; how all of life comes from us. We are responsible for our happiness, and it comes from the beliefs we choose to hold. We can create a world which pleases or horrifies us. It all depends on where we shine our powerful spotlight, and what we believe we will find under its glare.
Want proof? I am meeting all kinds of Super-men! Most recently, I met a man who penned this breathtaking poem. If I hadn’t done the work I don’t think our paths would have crossed, and if they had, I wouldn’t have been able to really see him, because I would have been looking for a “narcissist”. I would have missed experiencing all of the beauty this precious soul has to offer. And you would too, because I wouldn’t be able to share this sumptuous poem with you. You can’t read it and tell me all men are narcissists…
Poem by Tim Young
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- How I Became Larger & More Powerful than my Monkey Mind. - March 18, 2018