A challenging person can be difficult to handle effectively. We can trust there will always be laborious relationships to manage. The hope is that most of these will be brief encounters, but sometimes, it’s a true challenge to side-step being around those who are exasperating.
The truth is, each one of us can be difficult to deal with on occasion. But having a bad moment from time to time is quite a different equation than being a generally hard to handle human being. In an ideal world, no one would ever drive us crazy and we’d feel at perfect peace all of the time. Since that will never be the case, we need tried and true strategies and coping mechanisms to handle ourselves with maturity and compassion when dealing with a challenging person.
Whether it’s your child misbehaving, an impossible to please boss, clients who change their minds constantly, friends who overreact, strangers at the grocery store, or your romantic partner not holding up their end of the bargain, a challenging person is straight up exhausting to deal with.
It doesn’t have to be stressful. Working with difficult people can actually be much more manageable than you think. Here are 4 tips to help you deal with people who really push your buttons:
Don’t take their emotions on
Many people are overly emotional and highly reactionary. And when they lash out, it’s not the other person’s fault. A challenging person most often just wants to be heard. When you allow yourself to be present and listen to them, this offers them a sense of validation. But hearing them, listening, and being compassionate is not the same thing as making their issues yours. A Psychology Today article tackling this subject matter offers the advice to switch from being reactive to proactive. Steering them towards solutions and away from what they view as problems is the more productive route.
Let go
You don’t have to hold onto every challenging person in your life. If they’re causing you a lot of stress simply let go emotionally. Don’t hold space for their anger and resentment. You don’t have to take on their anger and you can drop any resentments that you have towards them. Letting go of needed everyone to like or agree with you has a power that is impossible to describe. But once you’ve felt it, you’ll know it’s there anytime you’re willing to let go.
It’s not about you
When people react, often it’s a reflection of their own insecurities or a trigger that’s hit them in a negative way. Your job is to listen and not take their reactions personally. Instead just stay true to who you are, and establish loving, firm boundaries. Are you maintaining emotional boundaries with them? If not, learning and being willing to do so will help in big ways. You can allow them to express themselves, but recognize that it’s not about you.
When your boss reprimands you, or your partner gets upset with you for something that seems like no big deal, it doesn’t mean they don’t respect or care about you. Learning to separate yourself from the situation will offer you the freedom from the suffering that comes to reacting to someone else’s reaction and taking their feelings on as a message that there’s something wrong with you.This doesn’t mean we don’t all have to listen and learn when someone has a valid point. But when dealing with consistently difficult people, we all have to acknowledge that just because someone overreacts or gets upset easily doesn’t mean their sense of entitlement reflects facts and truth.
How to establish and keep boundaries
When people get angry or complain, it’s vital to establish and maintain boundaries and separate yourself from their anger. When you allow them to dump on you, you are agreeing to be their victim.
One way to turn the situation around is to allow yourself permission to walk away. Creating literal space between yourself and difficult people is actually a very mature way to diffuse a situation and send a very clear message. If the person in question is unable or unwilling to hear you state your boundaries, then you remove yourself from their presence. You may be thinking this is so much easier said than done. But when you examine just how hard it is to manage a truly burdensome relationship, the alternative may not only be the path of least resistance but the one that leads you toward a happier, healthier version of yourself.
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